Lost Letter I

So much have happened for these past few weeks. There were too little time for reflections and too many room for contemplations, doubts and grudges. Not to mention blame, overwhelming emotions and irrational judgment that has caused this body to override and fall sick. Yet I kept pushing to move forward, begrudgingly and non-remorsefully, damaging the calls that screams to pay attention.

Today, I made progress to slowly unfold my own book. Let the pages of memories drift slowly, leaflet by leaflet, sometimes anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes nothing. I know, emotions are complex, it never remains the same. However, this time, it seems that I purge out all of it in haste and that made me confused.

Why is it so important for me to remain at the same emotion and sit through it, feeling all of it like I used to, yet felt nothing like before? To express words carelessly, intentionally yet not quite accurate, more so in haste, to close before it begun to, to run before being left and hurt, like a wounded soul, I chose to close all doors and left nothing open. Maybe not all of it.

I know you won’t try to find that loophole because you’re not me. I go through every option, memorized every door and create new ones, if I could. For you, I felt exhausted of consistently going above and beyond for you. Maybe is such a dangerous word as it provides room for assumptions and presumptions.

Maybe I am wrong. What if you go through all the doors only to find them closed? What if I gave you a clue? What if I don’t, would you try harder?

I knew. You wouldn’t. You would if it is something to prove me wrong because that’s your ego. But to want you to do it because of me, is entirely different.

Today, I managed to redefine my beliefs in emotions. Anger is a form of unexpressed pain and disappointment. Hatred is just loss of love, love that has nowhere to go.

Love and care cannot fix a heart that has been repeatedly disappointed by the people they love. Especially when it is ingrained with grudges and constantly thinking bad about a person. Unless, they allow themselves to love, or let love in. And to let love in is to drop ego and be vulnerable. To feel the pain of lost love and brokenness. To feel it to the core, the disappointments and allow trust to develop in its rawness. Love and care can only heal a person only when the person allows them to come in.

I wish I could let you know.

~S.H.