Reflections

There are moments when you feel like you’re on the outside looking in. Have you ever felt that way? I do. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Well I got my family. They got my back, but sometimes, I feel like I’m just hitching a ride and overstaying my stay.

And at times, I’m in my own world, to keep me from being left out. I create my own group with people inside so that one day, after my ride. They’ll be my next destination.

I do want to be fully independent. To discover the world out there and figure myself out. What do I want in life without the expectations of other people? I do have ambitions that some people are kind enough to ask. And they were really helpful. What am I like without the people around me? What can I achieve? But I need time because my progression is slow and I am hesitating because of my fears.

In my environment, we don’t communicate emotions. We disregard them and put them inside. It is like a shameful thing to have emotions of sadness or being anything other than strong. But with my friends, they encourage me to communicate, they tell me my emotions are valid. They ensure that I figure out what are the emotions that I’m feeling and why I felt that way. Even in anger, we communicate our arguments. State our point of view just to clear the air. Does not mean that we agree with each other. It’s just to tell the other person we care enough to reason and fight.

With other people, they embrace sadness by hugging you, providing comfort and telling you it is alright. They don’t dismiss your sadness and leave you alone. They help bring you up and give a listening ear.

That’s what’s important to me in any relationship. I value communication and it is so vital to me because it makes me feel like the other person cares. Even though, sometimes I succumb to old habits of keeping things under the rug, my friends are patient enough to allow me to openly state my emotions. And that part of me has evolved and changed 🙂 Communication with my some of my siblings when they feel sad, when in tough situations, have greatly improved our bonding and respect for each other. I should expand to the rest of my siblings, especially those whom I cannot communicate well due to me being afraid. But yea communication should be a responsibility for me. I want them to know I care ❤️.

I read a self-help book called “Why don’t you apologize?” It says that you shouldn’t keep the hurt in you, you should communicate the hurt even when it is uncomfortable to bring it up. Keeping it silent just deepens the hurt. I think it’s a great advice, and I’ve tried it with people before. And it works, but it takes time for the person who is hurting to slowly forgive the other person. Most of the time, the person in pain always acts out in a rude manner or rebel, because they are in pain. I do see that in people.

I also am reading a book about anger and relationships. The book helps me with understanding my default response to anger, how to correctly deal with anger and putting up boundaries. It helps me to analyze the forms of anger I portray and the things I shouldn’t do.

Without relationships with others, I would never recognize how I act, my emotions and how to deal with them correctly. I’ve learnt a lot from others in how they deal with their problems and their emotions and am really thankful to have met them. And now I need to practise what I’ve learnt, hopefully, to be a better person 🙂

Remember the question I asked previously? Am I willing to sit with me through thick and thin, despite my flaws and shortcomings?

My answer is yes. Why? Because I recognize my value. Despite my flaws, I have the tenacity to view people in a good way, be kind and most importantly I am willing to learn and change. I think that’s the best quality in a person; it is the willingness to learn and change.

Life is a school. It teaches you to be greater than who you will ever be. The only problem is, it doesn’t tell you how. It gives you the information, the people and then put you through tests without you knowing. So everyday, you constantly experiment to figure out the ingredients and how to achieve what you want. And to recognize what you have is to do reflections. 🙂

TO A BETTER ME! 💪🏻

~S.H.

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