Things I’ll Never Say To You

Dear Fix It,

The first time I saw you cry, I thought to myself someone must have hurt you badly to make you cry like that. And then I heard you cry on the phone and it made me so heartbroken. That’s when it all started, my mission to try and make you happy.

I realized why, over fights and arguments and sleepless nights, I can’t sleep well knowing you’re not sleeping. Knowing you’re mad at me and struggling in life. In summary, I can’t sleep knowing that you are unhappy.

And today, I realized, even when you gave me what I wanted, it won’t be the same as seeing you genuinely happy and excited about something. Isn’t that strange?

When I gave you that cake on your birthday and seeing you cry of happiness, I thought to myself, I can leave this world right now. I felt so happy such that if I were to die in that instant, I won’t regret it. That my purpose in life has completed.

At times, I get so caught up with keeping scores and having equal rights, trying to put my boundaries up and voicing what I want. But in the end, does it make me feel happy to finally have gotten it? Nope, because you aren’t. And I realized that, it is not putting up walls that are important in this situation, it is bringing them down.

This feeling is very strong. It scares me sometimes because it doesn’t make sense. To feel something strong on a person that barely knows you (referring to the first time I met you). To be vulnerable. It scares me. But it feels safe to do so with you. It feels weird with walls, but when we both let go, it feels great.

This strong feeling that comes from nowhere, it grows, through time. And I sincerely thought, I lost you. And that was why I cried.

And so losing you is not an option for me. And I hope you stay and wait for me to become better when I fail or when I disappoint you. I want to show you that I am not a waste of your time and that I’m not a disappointment. You are teaching me a lot. Changing me to become a better person.

-S.H.

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