Unhide

Today is the day, I start to unhide my feelings. I missed you, a lot. The things we did. Theres a pain in my heart. But whenever I talked about you, I start to have this anxiety. Start to shiver and be cold for no reason.

I am not sorry for blocking you out. Or saying the things I have said to you because it is true. That is me expressing my feelings. I tell you that I am angry and why I was in that state. That was when I was unafraid.

I am unafraid now to say that I do miss you. Now at this moment. I miss your stupid smile and the things we did like karaoke. But I definitely do not miss the arguments, fights, me hiding my emotions to be okay, overcompensating, overly giving to make things better.

I am sorry for not telling you what I felt at the moment that I felt it. Instead I buried it deep inside and it emerged into this ugly volcano.

I am sorry that I told the truth about my feelings to the closest of my people but not to you, the person, whom I felt that way. And the way that I wanted communication so badly yet failed at it.

It is not about the right words for me to present to you. It is not about formulating the right method for my arguments. It is to just be honest about what I’m feeling and lay it out to you in my own way. Its about the right moment that I felt it.

And its funny that I do it through actions but not through communication. I don’t delay what I felt like doing but I hid all of the emotions so much until you question me. And I am sorry for making you feel that way.

I made the bad things disappear so that you can see the good things. But honestly, I should just let it be. I was so into perfection. Perfecting the way I present myself, the way I act, the way I feel until there is nothing you can find wrong. But the feeling that something is wrong. Is there.

When you said that I should not overcompensate when I didn’t want to. But I still do because I felt I needed to. That was how I fixed things. Give more when the other parts are lacking. But I wasn’t fixing the hole. I was decorating the space beside it to fix the hole.

Finally, after all the desperate feeling of wanting to keep on holding to you like my life depends on it. I finally understand what you were trying to say.

I knew that I wanted everything back to the way it was quickly. So I desperately try to understand everything for a short amount of time to “fix” the situation. But obviously, it didn’t get fixed and I ended up misunderstanding everything.

I also knew that knowing what it was won’t fix the situation unless I changed. But now, I am at least a step ahead because I understand everything.

Time for me to implement it.

~S.H.