Memories

Some memories can be painful when you remember them. Just recalling it bears a physical pain in your heart and brings you close to tears or in tears. And that is the sole reason why everyone’s running away from painful memories. But as life goes, no matter how much you run, it will come back to you in different ways. It forces you to take a stand and face up to it.

I find it funny, I remember that period of time where I felt the most invisible, physically and mentally. Yet, here I am, wishing to be invisible.

There was more to it than just being invisible, it was being rejected 3 times over, despite my achievements, not wanting to be there and being proven to; that nobody wants me there. It felt like being punished for the things that I have done my utmost best. Not being cared for when I needed the most. The environment and the people insisting that this is definitely what I deserved.

I am not sure how anyone would survive differently but it didn’t do me good. Nobody noticed me, or they do but never cared to ask. Up until the time when I attended one of my favourite classes, the teacher pointed it out “Why are you standing like that, like you don’t want people to know you exist.” That moment, I felt seen. I felt cared for. I thought to myself, because no one does. No one wants me here. But things begin to change, albeit slowly.

I had to carry my own self out of the darkness. Nobody was there to tell me how I progressed or to even notice that I was not myself. There was no one to motivate me. I had to do it on my own. It came to a point where I had to watch motivational youtube videos on how to exist and be proud of it. I had to convince myself that my body does not want me to die. Forced myself to go to classes, to be out of my dim and dark room and to participate and interact. I had to pretend to be a normal person amongst others until I became one. Successfully coming out from those thoughts and darkness and shining with a little bit of confidence. But most importantly, proved to myself that my existence is actually needed. I need me to exist just because I am worthy of it.

To be honest, those negative thoughts do come once in a while. Sometimes so inherently loud that I surrender to it. That sometimes I question happiness. Over time, I forget to question. I forget to doubt that the happiness I feel will die eventually and I am back to square one. Now, I focus on the present. Focusing helps me out of my spiral of thoughts. I do this by telling myself my name, day and date and where I am. Then I focus on an object and identify it. It’s like when you pinch yourself to know that it’s real. I pinch myself to stop me from disappearing into my thoughts which by the way, has no conclusion or resolve to reality.

I think I’ve wrote this story multiple times in different forms. I need to reiterate it so that I remember how far I’ve come and how I’ve succeeded.

There are two people worth mentioning here for being there with me, although they do not know what I felt or where in the state of mind was I, they were there to let me cry when I felt like it. Even when I couldn’t explain why. They did not judge me. And to include me in their circle bringing me out of my darkness. Thank you 🙂

~S.H.

P.s. Finally managed to fix the uploading issue via the mobile app. It was part of the reason why I didn’t update the site.

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