SPIRAL

Sometimes thinking a lot just puts me in a spiral. Have I done it right? What are the impacts I have on others? Do all of these matter?

I have been away for a long time. From people. Just silently minding my own. Maybe talk with a few. Talk with a person that turns into a 24/7 conversation.

It is nice to be in this state. To exist and yet be allowed to hide. Being present fully with yourself, well not really, when the people living together with you demands your attention every hour. But it’s nice to take a break from those thought loops. The ones that goes on and on and on. It might not be exactly the same thoughts but it can be the same theme and scenario. This habit of mine where a thought just jam other thoughts. They come out in full force with such a weight that you feel heady after it runs around in a loop and I wonder if it ever grows tired.

A spiral. I write in this spiral. I used to have a mindmap of my thoughts. It looked messy but are always organized in distinct categories: family, friends, goals to achieve. Same ambitions, sometimes with even more problems. And especially the thoughts that stem from open-ended conversations and arguments. They force themselves in dreams to find a conclusion. To predict the next step, story. The reaction to that question or how would it be different. Will it be different?

Sometimes I wonder, does my mind ever gets tired?

My body is tired but my mind is driving me awake. An entirely independent organ that is able to influence the entire body system.

~S.H.