Day XX

So my sleeping diary is a total failure. Yes, I still have insomnia. Yes, I do sleep, not all the time. Does sleeping in the day to make up for the night, insomnia? But whatever it is, last night I slept for 3 hours and I’m awake till now and I don’t feel tired.

So of course, the mind… Yes it has always been my mind and the meandering thoughts. It is easy to blame yourself for something because that means you have control. That means being able to change it, to make it better. I am not sure if it’s a good thing. Not everything can change with your own efforts. Some circumstances are out of our control no matter how much we blame ourselves or others. But habits die hard. Well at least, I like to take the blame.

At some point of our lives, there would be this gigantic hurdle. And the thing is, once you think you’ve reached the top or have seen that you are at an elevated point, it starts to drop and there will be another greater hill. And it all forms into this gigantic mountain.

Will we ever get to the peak? It depends on what you define it to be. If your peak is success in life, then you’d have to define ‘success’ and only then you can answer the question of will we arrive to the summit. But if the peak refers to happiness with regards to external factors primarily contributing to your happiness then, it is a no. No one will ever reach that summit. But then again, if you think about the fact that once you reach the summit, you have to go down. There is no way you’re going to camp at the top with the cold winds and be miserable. I’m referring to actual peaks… but the point is, there cannot exist a peak that is not like the pointed tip of a pen. Have you ever seen a peak that is all flat land and expands to infinity? Unless if you believe in the afterlife, then there is a flat land that expands to infinity, and even so, it is unimaginable and it can change. What I mean to say is that nothing is ever certain because we have no control no matter how much control we believe we have.

Well yeah. That’s my internal monologue. About peaks? I do not think I have made any conclusions or resolutions regarding it. Or the fact that these information are even useful for anything. I guess this post is just a retrospect.

~S.H.